Saturday, September 24, 2011

final tomatoes

final tomatoes --
I admire the budding mum
about to explode

The first version of this haiku continues the trend of the past couple of days -- it sticks to a 5-7-5 syllable count. Whereas the past couple of haiku have fallen into that form naturally, though, this one feels more forced to me. I'd be more inclined to edit it down into something shorter like:

last tomatoes --
the burgundy mum
about to burst

I'm not completely sold on either version yet -- this'll be one to keep tinkering with...

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